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Bristol Palin, Orange County is Where You Belong
It used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. And by the way, I know I could have worded that first sentence with a bit more sophistication. I might have said, “There was a time when I cared more about balloon animals than I cared about Bristol Palin,” or “My indifference to Bristol Palin was, at times, immeasurable” or “In the past Bristol Palin — care factor zero.” But to be honest and succinct, it used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. In fact, I gave sub-shit. On a care scale of one to ten with “balloon animals” a ten, Bristol Palin would have gotten less than zero. Yet, in spit of my intense indifference, Bristol Palin beckoned me, wherever I went. One might even say she haunted me. Bristol Palin gets pre-marital pregnant. Bristol Palin gets engaged. Bristol Palin gives birth. Bristol Palin breaks off engagement. Bristol Plain becomes spokesperson for sexual abstinence. Bristol Palin places third on Dancing with the Stars. Bristol Palin said that Dancing with the Stars was definitely “the most frightening thing” she has ever done in her life. This might suggest that a sense of proportion is not one of Bristol’s strong suits. But, as I said, Bristol Palin haunted me. I knew more about her than some members of my family members. Bristol Palin heads to college. Bristol Palin moves out of her family home in Alaska. Bristol Palin buys a house in Arizona. I was mesmerized. There I was, not giving a shit about Bristol Palin, yet strangely intrigued by her persona, especially that she could throw down cash for a 3,900-square-foot home in Maricopa, Arizona — a livestock fragranced 10-year-old satellite suburb 35 ugly miles south of downtown Phoenix. Bristol dropped 172 grand on it, which given the current housing market is an excellent deal. Yes, it was foreclosed property. And yes, her purchase may have been the front end of a real estate promotion to put the failing Arizona market on the map by reaching out to people that would be impressed by Bristol Palin’s investment portfolio — but still, that’s a fannyload of cash from a 21-year old single mom. According to the real estate listing, Bristol’s new nest "overlooks a beautifully landscaped backyard with brick border and covered patio for year -round entertaining…. Friends and family will enjoy the large backyard, perfect for volleyball, BBQs and more” — exclamation point. Backyard is what you get a lot of in Arizona. But I’ll feign magnanimity here, even though I shouldn’t give a shit. How splendid for Bristol. Congratulations to her. She’s got a hell of a lot more than 99% of the other single moms in America. That’s because she’s related to fame and, as a result, a paid spokesperson for the Candie’s Foundation, a teen pregnancy prevention organization. Working on the speakers' circuit, Bristol asks between $15,000 and $30,000 for each anti-pre-marital sex appearance she makes. There’s not too many of us that can buy a home outright through the income we make telling people not to do what we regret we did. But a home she has...and it, in particular, was haunting me, too. Bristol’s home is in a housing tract that borders a street called John Wayne Parkway. That’s right, Bristol Palin will be driving home on a street named after Orange County’s favorite cigar smoking combat avoiding war-activist and airport namesake, John Wayne. Even though I didn’t give a shit, I wondered: Was Bristol Palin trying to send a message to me? Could it be that Orange County, California is really where she wants to live? It wouldn’t be surprising. Here in Orange County, we’ve got tons of suburbs, lots of nouveau riche, and conservatism aplenty. I’m sure we could even locate a big backyard for her. The entertainment industry is next door and, since, Bristol’s already parlayed her unwed mother notoriety into a soap opera appearance, maybe, she could sign a reality show contract just like her mom. Yes, unlike Levi Johnston, Orange County seems to be a marriage made in heaven for Bristol Palin. Need more proof? Check this out. Bristol’s the founder of BSMP LLC a company that "intends to provide lobbying, public relations, and political consulting services." Seriously, Bristol, why would the daughter of the conservative Republican Party’s beauty pageant want to be a political consultant in a backwater state, when she could have all she wanted and more in the most famous conservative County in the universe — my backyard, Orange County, California. Wow. Bristol Palin meet Arnold Forde. This whole arrangement is so perfectly haunting I almost give a shit. — Nathan
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