Misplaced Giving Charity Gift Donations in Your Name
Gift giving is a talent and a gift, in and of itself. But that talent may be waning in our world. Today, on the fringes there’s a marked increase in a segment of faux gifting. It’s called Gift Donations In Your Name.… more
Remarks at the End of the Next War Delivered in the Capitol of the Invaded Country
An exit speech for the next war modeled on US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s remarks on leaving Iraq. May God bless our troops, may God bless America, and may God bless those who cashed in.
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Cashing in on Schadenfreude Frank and I Meet Judge Judy
When I was a child, afternoons at the Callahan house were filled with the unfortunately televised presence of soap operas. The bad acting, the poor production and the sad ass storylines were depressing reminders that my family was middle brow and middle class. I was condemned to a world that looked to someone else’s misery as a form of entertainment. Post-soap opera, afternoons at the Callahan house have turned to court TV for their Schadenfreude.
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Tear Down This Statue A Thanksgiving Prayer Regarding the Fall of Ronald Reagan
Last week a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan at Bonita Canyon Sports Park in Newport Beach, California was remixed — painstakingly rendered, bent over, pulled down — in the same manner and position that Saddam Hussein’s statue was pulled down by Marines in Baghdad after our country’s illegal 2003 invasion of Iraq. Some thought it was thievery. Some thought it was vandalism. We know it was art.
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The Honor Overkill Problem How the Military Can Sharpen its Image
When a major league sports stadium fills, you can bet yours that someone there (with a microphone in front of them) is going to say something like “we are here to honor the men and women of the United States armed services.” There may be a jet fly over — Pratt & Whitney F100 Afterburning Turbofan screaming overhead and, in response, breaths will be taken away awesomely. The praise will be visceral — honor with a large side of whoopee. Rest assured, service to your country of the military kind will get you gianormous reverent recognition in big places. “What the hell was it that the president said. Give them all a beautiful parade instead.” But like Tom Waits, the armed forces shouldn’t oversell itself. That would create a big galoof brand image.
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Killer Storms On the State of Televised Weather Reporting
When Southern California’s TV weather reporters speak of rain, they warn of a wicked wet creature stalking the coast bringing with it the unfathomable horrors of a “build an ark” proportion beat down.
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Disingenuous Headwear The Personality of a Baseball Brand
There’s nothing more pathetic than a man born on third base who thinks he hit a triple. He’s generally dimwitted, yet if he’s enough of a schmoozer he’ll get others to believe his fantasy.
I’ve always been a fan of a reality-based world. In that regard, in the past I never wore a team’s colors, unless I was actually on the team. As for baseball, I wasn’t a player. I never hit a triple. I was a fan experiencing the ups and downs of my chosen team dressed like me, Nathan — not dressed like a player or coach, or, heaven forbid, a mascot.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast October 14, 2011
The Breathe Out Zen Neurotic Exercise Number One
Breathing out eliminates toxins and releases what no longer serves you. It pushes your head back into the game. And it’s a kind of protest, a way of stiffing the status quo. … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast October 7, 2011
Last Meals Not to Die For On Unneeded Business Meetings and Death Penalty Catering
There are times you don’t need to eat. For example: at business meetings and waiting for your execution. In current times of service societies, however, last meals are confusing, if not pointless, exercises. Are they a Make a Wish Foundation last right? Or are they our government’s way of saying “Hi, my name is Rick. I’ll be your executioner, today. You’re about to receive a lethal injection, but first how may we serve you? … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast September 30, 2011
The Blessing of Coffee How an Exaggerated Immune Response Gave Me Heaven
You may say the AMA’s deletion of breast milk from my diet is responsible for my addiction to coffee. It’s one of the few happy things doctors introduced to me. Coffee saved my life.… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast September 16, 2011
9-11 and the Art of Darkness Ten Years After Karlheinz Stockhausen Adjusted Our Brains
At a press conference in Hamburg, Germany on September 16, 2001, my favorite German avant-garde composer Karlheinz Stockhausen, when asked about the events of September 11th said, “Well, what happened there is, of course — now all of you must adjust your brains — the biggest work of art there has ever been.”
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast September 2, 2011
The Frankenstein Trope On Brinkmanship and Rebels Without a Cause
One memorable scene in Rebel Without a Cause connected Hollywood’s new hot rod culture to the world of international politics. With it, director Nicholas Ray’s 1955 generation gap border-line B movie not only became the cinematic totem of teen angst in the suburbs, but provided philosopher Bertrand Russell with a plot device to explain the insanity of the Cold War. The scene and the device are called “Chicken.”
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast August 19, 2011
The Creed of Serendipity In Praise of Random Events
I believe in an accidental god —one who appears by chance, makes heaven and earth, and all that is, seen and unseen, and then says, “Oops, what I have I done?” I believe in chance, the only son of accidents, eternally begotten of happenstance, contained in everything, of one being with randomness. A well-laid plan is all well and good, but serendipity, more often than not, determines the score. For our advancement (or salvation) we provide intent. It’s the only way to prepare ourselves for the random occurrences that dominate our lives. You didn’t expect that to happen — did you?
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast August 5, 2011
Who’s High Here? Answering the DEA
Almost nine years after medical marijuana supporters asked the US government to reclassify cannabis — nine years to take into account the expanding volume of research that clearly demonstrates marijuana’s effectiveness in treating diseases like glaucoma, multiple sclerosis, neuropathic pain and muscle spasticity — our Drug Enforcement Administration concluded that cannabis has "no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States." Is this not delusional?
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast July 22, 2011
The Penis Graffiti of San Marin On Apparitions and Male Members in Suburbia
After she died, my mother frequently visited my father in their South Orange County home. She lost her war of attrition with cancer during the 55th year of their marriage —the last fifteen of which they lived in a 3,500 square foot two-story located on a corner in, what real estate professionals call, an upscale neighborhood — a mile from the Saint Regis with ocean views and plenty of home owner’s association covenants, conditions and restrictions.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast July 1, 2011
A Prayer for Eternity In Pursuit of My Living Forever
Oh, heavenly father, mother, sister, brother, all powerful, all knowing, 24/7/365 force of energy and nature who rises above and sees infinitely, hear me, oh lord, hear me. This mortal body is not enough. This mind is not enough. This moment is not enough. I want more. I want to live forever. And it is you who can make that possible. Through your divine love and extra special powers, only you can seal the deal that brokers life for eternity. May I have some, please?
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast June 24, 2011
Bipolar Planet When Summer is Up, Winter Is Down
Are you violently happy, irritable, excited, restless, sad, ecstatic, calm, crying uncontrollably, sated, binge eating, horny, completely satisfied, hyperactive or just plain not sure? Of course, you are. You live on a bipolar planet.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast June 10, 2011
Andy Dick Meets The Edge What Will They Piss On Now?
This is a tale of two questionable gentleman. One, Andy Dick, is an adopted South Carolina boy who embraced his name which such enthusiasm that by high school he called himself “Super Dick.” The other, David Evans, is a Welsh born music loving son raised in Ireland who dropped his given name to become “The Edge.”
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast May 27, 2011
Not Winning A Sensible Alternative to Obstinate Success
Outside of sports, games shows and the Academy Awards, people who call them themselves winners are predominantly deluded. No doubt, winning can be positive and exhilarating. Losing can be fucked. But let’s step outside of score-keeping and be honest. First of all losing isn’t necessarily the opposite of winning. To be sure, winning is a plus on some scale. Looking at it from the tail end: I don’t want to lose my life. But winning my life is nonsense. The opposite of winning may simply be taking the day off.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast May 20, 2011
The New Superstitions A Guide for Those of Little Brain
I was raised in a superstitious home. Black cats, walking under ladders, Friday the 13th — my family taught me that these things posed a serious threat to my well-being. But rather than adding magic to my life, my belief in these delusions made for a paranoiac early childhood. “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back” taken literally can produce panic and ulcers. Fortunately, by the time I was seven, I was questioning the legitimacy of bad luck and good.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast May 13, 2011
Political Laughs On Gray Matter and Monkey Makers
I don’t laugh at jokes. I don’t mind jokes and I do laugh. But I laugh at other things: attitudes, sounds, references, situations, timing. Laughing is my signal of playful intent and since for me play is best unstructured, try as I may, damned if I don’t laugh at jokes.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast April 29, 2011
Shopping Your Way to Hell Yea, Though I Walk Through the Valley of South Coast Plaza, I Fear No Evil
As a member of Reverend Billy’s Church of Stop Shopping, I recognize the Devil in corporate commercialism where I see it; how this devil inhabits nearly every aspect of our 21st century lives; how the sign of the brand has replaced the holy spirit; how we are christened consumers rather than citizens; how our public spaces, our information, our history, our laws are all subjugated to the forces of the money market, where the endless treadmill of consumption defines human progress. Money may not be the root of all evil, but it’s a good place to start looking
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First Broadcast April 22, 2011
The Last Word on Charlie Sheen There But For the Grace of God Go You
Suppose, at birth, your parents named you Carlos Irwin. Born in New York City, you had a setup that a majority of Americans would sacrifice their spleen for on the altar of envy. You were the youngest son of a famous actor and a famous artist. Like all enviable families, yours moved to Malibu, California. There you, the young Carlos, with your family’s help, became famous, too.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast April 15, 2011
The Crying of Lab 49 On the Dead and Their Wishes
In 2004, UCLA officials discovered that dead bodies willed for medical research to the university were being sold out the back door in a very black market. The sales took place between Henry Reid, the willed-body program’s director, and Ernest Nelson, a body broker, who harvested the corpses from UCLA’s cold storage room. Nelson then sawed the cadavers into suitable cuts of meat, packed them in igloos and hauled them off making more than $1 million selling the body parts to pharmaceutical and medical firms for research.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast March 25, 2011
Indecent Exposure A Cure for the Common Cold
Now that Jerry Brown is our governor, I’d like to make a suggestion that will not only help balance California’s budget, but increase productive hours for our workforce. But first, a little story: Yesterday, my friend Mark walked into my office and started sneezing. He wiped his nose with his hand. Then he did the thumb lick and paper turn — you know lick your thumb turn the page. The pages were in my copy of Mark Twain’s autobiography.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast March 18, 2011
The Patron Saint of Obscenity Evil to Him Who Evil Thinks
The other day, my cousin Wayne — who, by his own admission, is a very religious man — told me I’d go to hell because of the language I use. He was half serious and half right. I do use language that could get me in trouble. Let me explain. The podcast broadcast you’re listening to is designated as “explicit” on iTunes. One definition for the word “explicit” is “precisely and clearly expressed.” Explicit also means “leaving little to the imagination (especially, as far as iTunes is concerned) regarding sex.” The only explicit thing I do on-air, besides being precise and clear, is use the words “fuck” and “shit” — as in “What the fuck” and “Holy shit.” Neither of which regards sex.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast March 4, 2011
Resisting the Signature Capture Pad Against the Ruin of Pencraft
In the world of the electronic business, signatures live in purgatory. We swipe our credit cards though a reader and tap to verify the amount. Then the LCD lit screen requests that we perform a most unnecessary and humiliating act — sign our names on signature capture pad.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 25, 2011
Pro Football in Los Angeles Bringing Back the Dumb
One of the great blessings of currently living in Los Angeles proper is that professional football is non-existent. Without it, Sundays in LA have been sublime — a sharp contrast to the steroid influenced irrationally inspired exuberant violence the city experienced only a few decades ago.
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 18, 2011
A National Rational Discourse What We Think We Say
What is the national discourse and who says what it is?
There’s the national discourse in Washington DC, on cable TV, online, in bar rooms, coffeehouses, at NASCAR, at MoMA, according to Fox, according to Harper’s at Sardi’s and at Pinks. Which one is authentic?
… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 11, 2011
Michael Woodcock as God The Instinctive Artist and Superintendent of Existence
In Michael’s artistic output there is an unsurpassed honesty and inventiveness. His work plays with convention. Yet, although the embodied Michael displays a spectacularly dry sense of humor, to think of his creations as humorous one-liners is a sin. “What I want,” he says “is for somebody I respect to look at one of these paintings and, after a minute or two, say ‘that’s the most beautiful dumb painting I’ve ever seen.’” … LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast February 4, 2011
Bristol Palin, Orange County is Where You Belong On Location, Location Location
It used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. And by the way, I know I could have worded that first sentence with a bit more sophistication. I might have said, “There was a time when I cared more about balloon animals than I cared about Bristol Palin,” or “My indifference to Bristol Palin was, at times, immeasurable” or “In the past Bristol Palin — care factor zero.” But to be honest and succinct, it used to be that I didn’t give a shit about Bristol Palin. In fact, I gave sub-shit. On a care scale of one to ten with “balloon animals” a ten, Bristol Palin would have gotten less than zero. Yet, in spit of my intense indifference, Bristol Palin beckoned me, wherever I went. One might even say she haunted me.… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast January 28, 2011
Depth of Field and Fashion Sports and Vogue
Sports fans and fashion fans: The two pretend they’re unrelated.
Fans of sports worship the moment of anatomy and athletics. Fans of fashion worship the moment of anatomy and aesthetics. They act as if they’re not family. Who are they trying to fool? The swish of the skirt and the basket, the sharpness of the stiletto and the cut block, the grace of Chanel and Willie Mays — it’s so obvious… LISTEN HERE
First Broadcast January 14, 2011
Listen to the Birds And Turn Down Your Schizophonia
Acute Schizophonia is the fastest growing disease in the US. The condition is caused by a dislocation between what you hear and what you see. Think of a dog barking at a pair of speakers amplifying cat sounds. That’s a minor case of Schizophnia… LISTEN HERE
