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Andy Dick Meets the Edge
This is a tale of two questionable gentleman. One, Andy Dick, is an adopted South Carolina boy who embraced his name which such enthusiasm that by high school he called himself “Super Dick.” The other, David Evans, is a Welsh born music loving son raised in Ireland who dropped his given name to become “The Edge.” One would think that the two, aside from their love of name, were far apart in spirit — one coming into his prime devising minimalist chord structures for the band U2 the other vamping comedy perversion with Ben Stiller — and yet here in Southern California, the land of film festivals and shorelines, they are brothers who have found a home to pee on. Dick is a talented comic with a fondness for exposing his genitalia. In some quarters he’s known as the Endangered Species Ejaculation Specialist. When the occasion is right, he takes it out and urinates at social gatherings — not in the men’s room, but on guests, tablecloths and dumbwaiters. Other times he simply rubs his penis on the furnishings. It is said he performs this way because alcoholics anonymous can’t cure him. That could be. Currently, the good folks at the Newport Beach Film Festival are mulling over whether or not to sue Andy Dick for peeing on and then tearing down a festival booth — this after he crashed their party. Dick also chewed on some ornamental plastic plants and rubbed his weenie against a display table — which could have been his inebriated way of saying that he didn’t like what was on display. Up the coast, Dick’s pissing brother, The Edge, also put on a public urination exhibition. But, at least, The Edge had the discretion and means to achieve his golden showers without litigation. The Edge wanted to build five mansions, including his own, on Sweetwater Mesa — a pristine ridgeline crowning the view from the coast in Malibu. David Brown, a Sierra Club leader calls it “one of the most impressive coastal-mountain interfaces in the country. ” The five mansions, according to the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy, would cause “unavoidable significant adverse visual and ecological impacts” along this interface. And so, in turn, the mansion development was opposed by the state of California. But lo, after a bit of quibbling, the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy dropped their complaint when The Edge promised them $750,000, plus $250,000 worth of work by his consultant (perhaps to do a bit of Conservancy re-branding post bribe), all tolled, a very sizable tax-deductible donation. As a result, California’s Santa Monica Mountains planning agency dropped its opposition to The Edge’s five ridgeline mansions. Now, during construction, all of Malibu will be able to watch The Edge pissing on the grace and dignity of Sweetwater Mesa. As the money holders say, “Make it rain.” No doubt, The Edge picked up the diplomatic cheekiness, he used to swing this deal, while supporting Greenpeace and Amnesty International with his buddy Bono. It must have been easy to be righteously generous to causes that really didn’t touch him. But when it came to stroking his ego and securing his mansions, The Edge’s generosity became a payoff aimed at destroying a California treasure. Which leaves us with brother Andy Dick, who, according to inside sources, is in a constant state of counseling to cure his drinking. But why bother with that? Instead, with The Edge’s attitude of gall, diplomacy and cash, Dick could be free to urinate at will. For $750,000 donation, I would guess the Newport Beach Film Festival would welcome a stream of Andy’s urine on just about anything. Throw in some PR consultation work and “Super Dick” could probably rub up against anyone he wanted to, as well. — Nathan
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