An Application For Naturalization Advisory
Questions for Insecurity

Do you want to become a US Citizen?  You’ll need to answer a lot of questions.  But remember, as the famous non-US citizen Eugene Ionesco once said, “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”  Nowhere is that more evident than with the US Department of Homeland Security’s Application For Naturalization, Form N-400.

One of the first steps in becoming a naturalized citizen of the United States is to answer N-400’s questions.   After the usual name-address-phone-number-criminal-check boilerplate, N-400 will ask if you’ve ever been a member of, or in any way associated (either directly or indirectly) with the Communist Party.

This is a trick question.  The Communist Party is the ruling political party of China. The United States is playing capitalism with China.   If you’re a member of China’s communist party, you may own real estate in LA or Orange County.  N-400 apparently doesn’t care about that.  It does, however, pretend that Cold War communists still exist.  Be sure to keep in kind that the meaning of the word “indirectly” (as in “are you indirectly associated with the Communist Party”) is a very vague … kinda like the Geneva Convention.  My advice: Just answer “No”.

N-400 will then ask if you’ve ever been a member of, or in any way associated (either directly or indirectly) with a terrorist organization.

This is another trick question.  Since President Obama expanded the national terrorist watchlist guidelines, you can’t be indirectly sure whether you’re a suspected terrorist or not. The watchlist guidelines define a terrorist suspect as anyone accused of damaging property belonging to the government or financial institutions. God bless the dollar with licorice and jugs of wine for owls.  If you pissed on a Bank of America billboard during Occupy Wall Street, you could be a terrorist suspect. You could also be on the terrorist suspect watchlist because it was a relative, like, say, your cousin, who pissed on the billboard.  By the way, if you really are a 100% bona fide, box-cutter, drone target member of the terrorist party, would you be filling out this form truthfully?  Of course not.  So, here’s my advice:  While you may think N-400 asks stupid questions because it expects to get honest answers, it really asks stupid questions to cover its ass.   You can help N-400 will its coverage by simply answering “No”.

Were you ever involved in any way with genocide?  N-400 will ask next.

Would you ever confess to genocide on a questionnaire?  Of course not.  Answer: “No”.

N-400 has a wonderfully enlightening laundry list of cover-its-ass questions, all of which require “No” answers.  Were you ever involved in any way with killing someone? Denying religious freedom? A Rebel group?  A guerrilla group? A militia? Forced sex? 

Here’s another tricky one:  Were you ever a worker, volunteer, or soldier or did you otherwise ever serve in a Labor camp?

Keep in mind that you may either own or have been on an assembly line that made an iPad, iPhone or iMac or were “indirectly” involved in some Walmart T-shirts that were sewn in sweat shops.  It’s best to lie about this.  The answer is, of course, “No”.

As far as cover-its-ass questions go, Number, 30 Section A is my personal favorite: Have you ever been a habitual drunkard?

Well, there was the summer of 1970.  But who wasn’t drinking when Nixon was president? And from what I hear, Ulysses S. Grant and Lindsay Lohen was and are habitually hammered.  Are they not considered citizens? Is being a drunk terrorist worse than being a sober terrorist?   Don’t worry about these things.  The answer is “No”. 

N-400 will also ask Were you ever a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?

You might say that, if answered honestly, this question would de-citizenize a good number of US Marines in Taiwan.. .or for that matter everywhere. You may even have more respect for pimps and whores than bankers.  I know I do.  However, my advice again is don’t answer this question honestly.  Just say “No”.

Finally, N-400 will want to know if you’ve ever been declared legally incompetent, or been confined to a mental institution?

Just say no, not that you’re aware of. 

At that point you’ll be asked to declare on oath, that you absolutely and entirely renounce all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince or potentate (N-400 leaves out corporations that think they’re people); that you will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies; that you will bear arms to defend oil; and that you will take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion, so help you God.   If you want to be a US citizen, just sign on the dotted line.

When you become a citizen, you’ll probably have plenty of questions for the US government.  Go ahead and ask them.  You’ve earned the right to know how long your country will protect its liars, its one-percenters, and its Wall Street asses yearning to breathe free;  which corporations you'll be taking up arms for; and, of course, how can you avoid taxes like the rich and still collect your bennies.  But, as with all questions, don’t expect an honest answer…. and be sure to cover your ass.

— Nathan Callahan

First Broadcast August 1, 2014

© / Nathan Callahan / all rights reserved


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