Hi. My name is Nathan. I’m from the National Speculative Institute and we’re currently conducting a survey aggregating the views of people like you. The survey will only take about five minutes and your participation will be greatly appreciated. May I continue? Good. Since I have your permission, let me began by asking (on a scale of 1 -10, ten being more than 1) how often do you change your mind?
OK. Are you sure?
Using the same scale, how often do you admit that you change your mind?
Good. How often do you base your opinions on what the majority believes?
Well, then… On a scale of 1-10, how much does God have to do with the outcome of football games?
On a scale of 1-10, how much would you admire a friend who, every time you got together, followed up your meeting with a phone call asking if they “met your needs”?
How likely is it that you would save your dog’s life rather than the life of a person that you didn’t know?
What’s the likelihood that you will literally go to hell?
OK. Now were going to check your attitude. Are you ready?
To what extent do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Good. Now let’s try some yes or no questions.
Do you think that a survey can be manipulated to get the answers that the survey is looking for?
Do you think surveys are an extension of a management style that lacks leadership and is looking for an audience to do its own work?
Do you support the use drones to kill terrorists overseas?
Do you support the use of drones that kill innocent people overseas?
Do you consider yourself innocent?
Has a full moon ever affected your vote in a presidential election?
Is a corporation a person?
Would you smoke cigarettes if they smelled like chocolate and made you forget?
Do you believe that the current United States Supreme Court makes objective interpretations of the law?
Do you even know which branch of government the Supreme Court is in?
Good. Would you still consider a Green economy if it were inconvenient? For example: if it limited the amount of cell phones you could own in your lifetime.
Do you believe in eternal life?
Do care what other people think?
Would you like to be Kim Kasdashian?
Do you know where your next meal is coming from?
If you were a super-hero, would you wear your underpants on the outside?
Good. And finally, this is the last question. Are you constantly reprioritizing what’s important to you?
That completes our survey. Your opinions will be added to the National Speculative Institute’s database of other people like you. Thank you for your time and have a wonderful day. And by the way, have you changed your mind yet? Are you sure?
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