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Remarks at the End of the Next War
Revered guests, It is an intense honor to be here in “name of liberated nation’s city here,” and to participate in this moving ceremony, on this very historic occasion to reassure ourselves that the suffering and sacrifice of our war effort has not been useless, futile, and ineffectual. No words, no ceremony, no amount of flummery can gloss over the sacrifices that have brought this day to pass. Yet, I’m reminded of what President Lincoln said at Gettysburg, because my speechwriter knows Lincoln is a sure bet for eloquent pulp fiction justifying armed conflict. “The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here,” said Lincoln, “but it can never forget what they (meaning the corpses) did here.” Well, so far in the march of military progress Lincoln hasn’t proven to be much of psychic. We still remember The Gettysberg Address, but no one really knows exactly how many died at Gettysburg let alone, what the golly gump fuck they were really doing except playing follow the leader. Nevertheless, I’m bound by the powers of cliché to say that we will never forget the sacrifices of the men and women of the United States armed forces, not to mention the sacrifices of their families. Take my family for instance. My cousin was hosed by Agent Orange when she served as a nurse in Vietnam. My uncle committed suicide by sucking on an exhuast pipe because he could no longer handle the horrific hallucinatory memories of hand to hand combat in the Philippines where he tore out the jugular of a Japanese soldier with his teeth. And let’s not forget Grandpa John who was gassed by Germans in World War One. Through deployment after deployment after deployment after deployment, families somehow withstand the strain, the sacrifice, and the heartbreak of watching their loved ones get fucked over. And about that: To all of the men and women in uniform today: your country’s 1 percent is deeply indebted to you. Your dedication and commitment to our missions has been the driving force behind the remarkable progress that American business has seen here in this foreign land and throughout the world. To be sure, the cost was high – the blood of the mostly low income US demographic. But those lives have not been lost in vain – they didn’t go down the toilet, they weren’t useless. We used them. We: the 1%. And as a result their deaths gave birth to an independent, free, and sovereign marketplace in “name of liberated nation here.” Again, I say to you, “no one here died in vain.” American soldiers and their allies never do. Put on a uniform and point a weapon at our enemy and you’ve served a purpose. In fact, just to be sure the value your purpose is understood, the government of the United States guarantees every enlisted man and woman will not die in vain. That’s right. You heard me. No deaths without purpose. Our purpose. Whether you die from getting your head blown off, or friendly fire, or dysentery caused by unsanitary conditions created by Halliburton, or stray dog bites, every American-style soldier will die for the purpose of our interests — our corporate interests. We’d like to thank our brave warriors for making the powerful more powerful, the rich richer, and the US military dead — past, present and future — enshrined in platitudes and hunks of marble. May God bless our troops, may God bless America, and may God bless those who cashed in. — Nathan
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